Remembering Precious Ryan

After my post about David, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the miracle that he is, and the way that God healed the hurt that I carried for so long when we lost baby Ryan. I pulled out my little "Ryan" memory box and began to look through some the things that I had saved. Along with the many cards and letters, ultrasound pictures and misc. items, I also found some poetry and writings that I wrote in the months that followed his death. As I read them, I was reminded of the peace that I felt, even when my heart was breaking. I really don't know how anyone without the hope that is ours, can go through tragedy without Him to lean on.

I decided to share a few of these, to maybe be a help to someone who is going through a similar experience. To assure you that the pain does go away, if you will trust God, and that He knows what is best.

I wrote this poem on the night that we lost our little one.

I Still Can Sing

Dear Lord, I can't quite understand

These trials that you bring,

And yet I know that trusting you

My broken heart can sing.

Can sing about your loving hand

That safely brought me through;

You've given me so many things

How could I ere doubt you?

You've never let me down before,

But always do what's best.

When trials come both big and small

In you I find sweet rest.

So, help me, Lord, your praise to sing

And of your goodness tell.

Though life is hard and brings much pain

Safe in your arms I'll dwell.

I did a this writing a few months later:

Still Singing

"Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Eph. 5:20

This verse that I have tried to practice since I was a little girl, hit me like a ton of bricks when our baby died before it was born a few months ago. How could I be thankful for such a painful experience? Did God expect me to thank Him for taking one of the most important people in my life? Yes, He wants me to be thankful even when things don't seem to go the way that I have planned and dreamed.

When I am not thankful, I am telling God that I don't trust Him to do what is best for me. When I am not thankful my life can fill up with bitterness and doubt. I need to give thanks "always for all things," but I cannot do this on my own. Verse 18 of that same passage says, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit." When I allow God's Spirit to fill me up, there is no room for an unthankful spirit.

Verse 19 says, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." I thank God for music and how it has helped me to face even the death of my child with thanksgiving in my heart. Songs of encouragement give me peace and comfort. Songs of the cross remind me of Jesus' sufferings and that I have not really suffered at all. Songs of heaven give me a hope that someday I will be with Jesus Christ and the loved ones who have gone on before me.

When I am feeling down, I start to sing and before long I am able to say, "Thank you, Lord, for being so good to me."~

And this last poem is one of my favorites. I don't remember the exact date that I wrote it, but it was sometime in the first week. Reading it again gets me all excited about heaven, and that it won't be long till we are all there, to spend eternity with our friends and loved ones.

That Place I've Longed To Be

Oh, how I've always longed to be

In heaven with the free,

Free of sorrow, pain, and tears

And all that frightens me.

It's where I'll finally see His face

The One who loves me so

He'll hold me close in His embrace

My heartaches He doth know.

And when I'm done at Jesus feet

He'll gently point the way

To a little child I've never held

Who didn't get to stay.

Thank you, Lord, for tender care

You've given him for me.

He's in a better place I know,

That place I've longed to be.