Remembering Precious Ryan

After my post about David, I haven't been able to stop thinking about the miracle that he is, and the way that God healed the hurt that I carried for so long when we lost baby Ryan. I pulled out my little "Ryan" memory box and began to look through some the things that I had saved. Along with the many cards and letters, ultrasound pictures and misc. items, I also found some poetry and writings that I wrote in the months that followed his death. As I read them, I was reminded of the peace that I felt, even when my heart was breaking. I really don't know how anyone without the hope that is ours, can go through tragedy without Him to lean on.

I decided to share a few of these, to maybe be a help to someone who is going through a similar experience. To assure you that the pain does go away, if you will trust God, and that He knows what is best.

I wrote this poem on the night that we lost our little one.

I Still Can Sing

Dear Lord, I can't quite understand

These trials that you bring,

And yet I know that trusting you

My broken heart can sing.

Can sing about your loving hand

That safely brought me through;

You've given me so many things

How could I ere doubt you?

You've never let me down before,

But always do what's best.

When trials come both big and small

In you I find sweet rest.

So, help me, Lord, your praise to sing

And of your goodness tell.

Though life is hard and brings much pain

Safe in your arms I'll dwell.

I did a this writing a few months later:

Still Singing

"Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Eph. 5:20

This verse that I have tried to practice since I was a little girl, hit me like a ton of bricks when our baby died before it was born a few months ago. How could I be thankful for such a painful experience? Did God expect me to thank Him for taking one of the most important people in my life? Yes, He wants me to be thankful even when things don't seem to go the way that I have planned and dreamed.

When I am not thankful, I am telling God that I don't trust Him to do what is best for me. When I am not thankful my life can fill up with bitterness and doubt. I need to give thanks "always for all things," but I cannot do this on my own. Verse 18 of that same passage says, "And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit." When I allow God's Spirit to fill me up, there is no room for an unthankful spirit.

Verse 19 says, "Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." I thank God for music and how it has helped me to face even the death of my child with thanksgiving in my heart. Songs of encouragement give me peace and comfort. Songs of the cross remind me of Jesus' sufferings and that I have not really suffered at all. Songs of heaven give me a hope that someday I will be with Jesus Christ and the loved ones who have gone on before me.

When I am feeling down, I start to sing and before long I am able to say, "Thank you, Lord, for being so good to me."~

And this last poem is one of my favorites. I don't remember the exact date that I wrote it, but it was sometime in the first week. Reading it again gets me all excited about heaven, and that it won't be long till we are all there, to spend eternity with our friends and loved ones.

That Place I've Longed To Be

Oh, how I've always longed to be

In heaven with the free,

Free of sorrow, pain, and tears

And all that frightens me.

It's where I'll finally see His face

The One who loves me so

He'll hold me close in His embrace

My heartaches He doth know.

And when I'm done at Jesus feet

He'll gently point the way

To a little child I've never held

Who didn't get to stay.

Thank you, Lord, for tender care

You've given him for me.

He's in a better place I know,

That place I've longed to be.

My Hearts Desire

November 26, 1996, I lost the precious little one that I had been carrying for 5 months. We had prayed for this baby, and after many tests and the help of a fertility drug, we had finally conceived Ryan Nicolas. The night I lost him, I thought that my heart would never mend. I really can’t put into words the emptiness that I felt. I may share more about him in another post, but right now I want to share how the Lord worked through that entire experience to prepare my heart for something far greater.

In the summer of 1998, through the Lord’s divine intervention, we heard of an expecting teenage mother, who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. She was searching for God’s will , and had heard about Dustin and I from my sister, Ruth, at summer camp. She told Ruth to have me write a letter sharing a bit about our little family. At the time Grace was almost 5 and we had trusted that God would give us another child in His time. I poured my heart into the letter, stuck a picture of us in the envelope, prayed over it and then dropped it in the mail. A couple of months later I got a phone call from her youth pastor telling us, “Congratulations, she wants you to start the adoption process as soon as possible.” We had 4 months to get the adoption paperwork written up, fix up the nursery, daydream about what he or she would look like and decide what names we liked.

To make a long story short, we were able to take our new baby, David Zachary Renfro, home when he was only 7 hours old. I kept looking in the backseat and looking at his car seat, just to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. In complete awe that God would give me the desire of my heart in such a miraculous way.

David will be 10 this January. He has truly blessed our lives in so many ways. He has grown up knowing about his birth mom, Brenda, and the difficult decision that she had to make so many years ago. Lately, David has been struggling with some things at home and at school. Whenever he would get upset with me he would say that I wasn’t his real mom. These words hurt me to the core and left me seeking for God’s guidance.

David stayed home from school with a sore throat yesterday, which turned out to be such a blessing. We were able to spend some much needed “one on one” time together. I decided it was time to give him the little music box that Brenda gave us on the day he was born. She asked us to give it to David when he was old enough to appreciate it. Inside the box there was a little charm with an engraving that said, “Because I love you”. There was also a card that I had never opened, but saved for him. As he opened it, her picture fell into his lap. He had seen pictures of her before, but he stared at this one for quite a while before he read the card.

Then I pulled out a letter that I wrote for him when he was just 10 months old and read it to him.

David,
You are so special to me. God’s answer to my prayers. I may not have carried you in my womb but from the moment I heard that you existed I carried you in my heart. I counted the days till I could hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you.
When I first held you I was overwhelmed with how awesome God is. He knew from the moment that your little heart started beating that He was going to give you to me. As He formed your eyes He knew that one day you’d look up at me and call me “ma-ma”. When He made your little arms, He looked ahead in time as you hugged me tight and snuggled up close in my embrace, and He saw the void in my heart disappear.
You are truly a miracle, my precious baby boy. A miracle that I will love and cherish till the end of time.
Love, Mommy

Brenda and I both had no doubt that God wanted me to be his mom, and I believe that this is something that David really needed to hear.

We talked, laughed and teased each other all afternoon and I even got a big hug. He stated the fact that if we hadn't lost our baby Ryan, that we wouldn't have adopted him. I said, "I can't even imagine what my life would be like without my little David." He just smiled.

I went to bed last night thanking God for renewing our relationship and healing the hurt that we were both feeling.